Updated June 10, 2018, Updated November 3, 2022,
Updated September 4, 2023, Updated November 23, 2023, Updated November 24, 2023, Updated November 30, 2023, December 1, 2023, December 31, 2024
My Dearest Laura,
I’ve never known what to say or what to do what it came to you and when it came to us.
You once told me not to over-think things and then you added that maybe it was best not to think at all.
That was probably the best piece of advice I had ever received. If only it had come much, much earlier and if only I was smart enough to have listened.
It didn’t and I probably wasn’t smart enough to know then, what I have now known for a long time.
But I always knew that I had to let you know how important you have been in my life and how I have always adored you, even when it didn’t look or feel that way.
The hardest decisions I ever made in my life were all about you and I failed at every one of those decisions. That’s what happens when you think.
While I didn’t mean for this letter to be one of apology, it’s hard to go on without telling you how very, very and truly sorry I have been for my behavior and cowardice. For too many years I’ve wanted to reach out to you and beg for even a moment of your time, but I could never find the words or the courage to do so.
If I had been able to find the courage to swoop up the most wonderful person I have ever known, the rest would never have come to be.
I’d have been with you someplace enjoying you, our lives together and everything we had built together and for one another.
I’m so grateful to you, though, that you reached out. For too many years birthdays were empty without you, but 64 took on special meaning.
By now, if this letter has made it to your hands, one of my final wishes will have come true even as we will never be able to look into each other’s eyes or to share another thought together.
I once asked someone whom I trusted to deliver this letter to you once that time came, but I think you knew how I have always felt about you whether you ever got to read this or not.
Anyway, she knew how I felt about you and I always knew that I should have listened to her and done what needed to be done to have a chance to be with the great love of my life.
As sad as I was sometimes to not be with you, that was always eclipsed by the knowledge that I knew what true love was, because of you. How lucky to have had that feeling and how lucky to have had whatever brief time we had to express that love.
Without having had that feeling of true love, you can never know what it truly missed and I truly missed you and the glow that came with you and in everything you graced.
I don’t regret many things in life, but it seems that what I do regret revolved around you.
I should have pursued you. I should have done whatever it took to keep you by my side at so many different stages in life. I should never have given up the miracle that finally came to me and I should never have treated you as I did.
At one time, back in college, I hated myself for having told you that I was in love with you, because I thought that ruined our friendship. What I later hated was that I didn’t show you how deeply I felt when I had the opportunity to do so.
And then I hated myself for running away.
I never knew what to say and I never knew what to do.
But what I knew from the day I met you was that you were beautiful.
Then it became clear just how funny you were.
And smart.
And full of life.
And thoughtful.
And loving.
You were, always were, beautiful on the inside and on the outside.
You proved, over and over again, what a good person you were. There were never any provisions for your humanity. You were always consistent in being the best person there could be and I was so lucky to have had the experience of you in my life.
You created the ideal that I prayed my children would find in their lives and would then work hard to keep, maintain and see flourish.
Now, when I think about you, the first word that comes to my mind is “grace.”
You’ve been so gracious to me.
When I think back to all of the smiles you gave me, I have one memory that surpasses every other.
It was a day in August 2004 and I was at the airport awaiting your first trip to Boston.
But my excitement turned to sadness when it seemed you weren’t on that plane. Just as I felt frozen in place, feeling abandoned and shot down, there you were and there was my smile. Maybe one of the biggest ones I have ever had.
But that’s not the memory I was thinking about.
The memory, the one that put the biggest smile on my face happened just a few minutes later, when we walked, spontaneously hand in hand, down the terminal.
I thought about that moment and that walk so many times over the years.
For me, it was pure joy.
Warm, electrifying, soothing joy.
I never felt so connected to anyone as it did during those moments. I never wanted to let go of your hand.
In my wildest dreams I could never have imagined that so many years later I would be again walking with you hand in hand this time on the streets of NYC on a 60 degree day in December. The sun came out in what was supposed to be a rainy and foggy day and it came out just for us, or so it felt to me.
And then there were the hugs.
I still remember a hug from 40+ years ago when we were walking to Fenway Park to see a baseball game.
Maybe what’s even better is that you gave me a chance to make new memories and to cherish each and every one of those new hugs.
Because of your grace and kindness, I was able to see you again after so many years and the new memory that I will have forever etched in my eyes was first casting eyes upon you as you entered through those diner doors. I remember the pure smile that I could feel on my face once again. I can remember how I just couldn’t take my eyes off of you and then I remember how much I enjoyed hearing your voice and then especially being able to laugh with you,
But still, I can never begin to tell you how sorry I was for the way I behaved and treated you. Yet despite more than 13 years of silence later, your warmth and kindness, even for me, were still so obvious. I could never begin to tell you how happy you made me with even a single email.
That excitement continued with each additional email and with each text message from you.
I don’t know if you ever knew how special of a person you were.
My head would spin whenever you asked what it was that I saw in you, when it was I who thought that I was the luckiest person in the world just to be along the path of a shadow you might cast.
As I first wrote this years ago and now have added some new thoughts, my mind is in so many places and my face hurts from the smiles that even simple thoughts of you can bring.
I can never do justice to telling you how wonderful you have always been and how I have valued every second in your presence.
All I can do is to let you know how much I have always loved you and been in love with you for 50 years now.
I certainly felt that each moment of the nearly 7 hours we spent together as you chauffeured me around The Bronx and guided me through the NYBG.
And I especially felt it all throughout the day that took us from your apartment to the Nostalgia Train ride to walking hand in hand amidst a throng of people and then back to your apartment during a day that i just wished could have gone on forever.
From thinking that I would never see you again and then to be graced by being in your company is more than I could have ever hoped for, and so I know that grace is yet another of your wonderful qualities.
Are you perfect?
In my eyes, yes.
Had I been as good of a person as you were, we would have been together for that time and we would have had a wonderful life together.
Now as I sit and think about things I realize that there was something else you told me that has made me reflect so much. You were right. I did want it all and among my many mistakes and shortcomings that selfishness cost me what I’ve always known to be among the most precious things that I could ever have had in life.
I hope that you can forgive me for this intrusion, for my ramblings and for my lapses.
I also hope that you will forgive me for my very directly blunt expression of feelings after our Van Cortlandt Park trip. I know it was unexpected, and probably unwanted, and a poorly delivered last gasp attempt to share happiness with you day in and day out.
I made you squirm and I saw the expressions on your face and the moistness in your eyes. Whatever your thoughts you remained kind and consistently so, never wanting to send discouragement of any kind and always remaining a thoughtful and supportive soul.
Just another strike out on my part in judgment and execution.
Anyway, your friends and family are so lucky to have you in their lives and your grand-daughters are so very fortunate to see and experience your example.
No matter what our tomorrows may bring, even if we reach the end of the line, it’s alright.** I will always cherish you, so thank you so very much for being such an important part of my life and for never turning your back on me. I cherished every chance you gave to me to keep you in my life in any way and in any form.
Everything I said or wrote to you I know to be true,**
You will always be in my heart and in my soul.**
I will love you through eternity.
** Too many song allusions. I know. For that I really do apologize.
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